Back to the place I materialize when I’ve been deleted from somewhere else. I have a feeling I’ll be paying for this blog in perpetuity. It aint rite. What’s wrong with respectful disagreement and open dialogue? Nothing, it stimulates thought, unless you’re a dadgum barking dogmatist, ruining conversation, internet commentary, the country as a hole, while revealing yourself as mighty insecure about your ideas.
What is it with this mindset, that some words must not see the light of day. As if your differing view threatens or undermines mine. It does not. Multiple views rule. The more perspectives the better. We take what we can use and leave the rest. Isn’t that how people learn?
This post is an expanded comment King Hut deleted on a current video: The Acceptance of Suffering in Your Neurodiverse Relationship. Wives, he says, discipline yourselves. Swallow yr pride and bite that tongue, stuff your defiance, choke on it. Mark Hutten can be valuable and we’ve all learned a lot from him. But this is a turd in the punch bowl.
First, interpersonal problems are just that, not an individual woman’s cross to bear. We don’t cure relational issues by ourselves. These are not one-way affairs. If I’m suffering in the relationship, my partner damn sure better be in it with me, looking for a cure. The cure, says the Buddha, is in the wound.
Second, if we name it to tame it we can regulate, modify, understand and move through feelings faster in what psychologists call affect labeling.
…research suggests that naming a negative emotion we’re feeling is an important step in lessening its hold on us, and shouldn’t be skipped. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t then try to solve the problem, but it does suggest that without acknowledgement of the emotion, you may be missing a major part of the solution.https:// carolinewebb.co/telling-like-power-affect-labeling-real-life/
Third, talking about what I feel, think and need with my ASD fella de-fangs needs and feelings, including his own. This makes it easier for “extreme male brains” to be vulnerable and access the emotional parts. It makes The ASD person less likely to be passive-aggressive in communicating their own emotions, as they are commonly said to do in relationship.
Fourth, letting him know my thoughts helps develop his theory of my NT mind. If I am not clear about what’s going on in my head he can conjure up a mom witch who is taking advantage of him by asking if we are out of milk. He assumes I expect him to run to the store right now and buy milk when no, I’m totally checking to see if we’re out of milk. But part of having a social disability is not knowing what is expected of you in the moment. And when my intention is unclear or absent he can accuse me of expectations that I don’t hold, and create resentment toward me, become argumentative and belligerent with me, because he doesn’t agree with what he thinks is happening in my mind. Though I haven’t said or done anything to generate this reaction. We must get to the bottom of this so he can resolve his anger about my expecting him to run to the store and pick up milk or these kinds of bogus resentments pile up, and he distances himself, because he doesn’t like me as much. If we don’t talk through these misundersandings I resent him for unfairly resenting me and around it goes.
If you are with someone on the spectrum this is your life, though the roles may reverse and the details differ.
He can not know the contents of your mind and unless you inform him he will make shit up. I don’t always know the contents of my mind myself, or the specific knowledge that’s needed, so there is no way around the cognitive leaps, mis-attributions, impugning motives, distortions, assumptions, jumping to conclusions, literal interpretations and on and on it goes. Identifying these cycles is the whole enchilada, and learning to disrupt them without the two J’s — judgment (me) and justification (him) in a safe conversation under therapeutic guidance is ideal. But until all those conditions are met I’ll be goddamned if I will suffer in silence while another white man is emotionally abusing me.
When I feel like saying something I say it. I get to be me, he gets to be him, and we’re just going to be ourselves in easy listening or apeshit mode. Things get raw and unpleasant before we feel better about each other and put it behind us. I do not behave as a well-trained, doglike NT partner. I maintain and declaim my hold on reality, by calling out my little chunk of truth. It keeps me breathing. Otherwise there will be two people in the room focusing all of our attention on his perspective and mine will be lost. I speak not because he needs to hear it, but because I need to say it.
Language is all we have to shape our narrative as a process unfolds. We put to words any hope of emerging compassion for how we are and maybe one day a keen sense of humor develops. OK, gallows humor. Silence is collaboration. Adaptation. Soul murder. Herasure.
There’s a reason expressing anger and clearing the air with an autistic partner is discouraged in the community. It’s not about avoiding meltdowns. We’re told we just don’t have the conflict-resolution skills to confront emotional issues with our unstable ASD partners. Women should confess all their interpersonal woes to coaches like Mr. Hutten, who will teach you how to keep your mouth shut, for a reasonable price.